Bruised and battered but never worn (written September 2010, never published)
Last Sunday I fell off my bike. It was one of those moments when you know something is going to happen seconds or miliseconds before it happens, but there is nothing you can do. In fact I am pretty sure looking back that I froze as I realized I was going to crash and that of course probably made the whole thing that much worse. I am completely fine, as usual....I like taking tumbles, I always tell people I have bad depth perception to make myself feel better. I remember a certain friend in fact for years laughing at me as he watched me trip over my own feet, miss the last step on the stairs, come home with a bloody knee after falling running, my right pinky finger doesn't straighten anymore after last June's bike fall, actually crash...into a women on the sidewalk. Ouch...
Anyways, a year ago I fell three times in one week, a run, a bike ride, a set of stairs, I was so sore and bruised and a bit bloody I was wondering if someone was trying to tell me something. I haven't learned what it is yet. I am sure my "new age, how to find your 6th sense book" I have been trying to read lately would tell me that I am moving to fast and to slow down, why else would suddenly I be crashing to the ground on a regular basis. "I can dance!" I always shout at people when I hear the word clumsy, how can I be clumsy when I am good at dancing? Maybe someone isn't telling me something!
I have spent a year in South America, Chile to be exact and I just watched for the first time ever, Motorcycle Diaries...and I was completely moved. Somtimes I think we loose focus, we get caught up in everyday life. After just celebrating Chile's bicentenial independance day celebrations for a total of four days and five nights, its pretty easy to loose focus! Aka there was a BIT of partying and enjoying life that ensued in the last four days. I have written several posts now on this blog that I started a year ago, having no idea then I would still be here, still writing late at night when I should be sleeping or putting my thoughts in a journal and not posting them for whoever wants to see. Focus is a good word though, and clarity. Without it, sometimes we lose a sense of self. I do not believe we can lose our way as the saying goes, cause there is no way. The path is what you make it, everyday you wake up, you make decisions, thousands and millions of decisions that impact everything that happens. The ripples fall a certain way depending on the rocks and the wind. I haven't lost anyway, cause I do not know the way, but I do need to find my focus. I believe after a sad day last week, one that we all deserve once in a while to have, to let us know we are alive and we breath the same air whether from the south or north of Santiago, to huts of togo, Africa or San Diego, California...we are all the same in the end. And so this day gave me some pain which reminded me to stay alive. Find my focus. I came to South America for a reason that was never clear to me.
I wrote a poem in 10th grade about running. I think its very vivid to me still cause it hung in my bedroom to this day, and I read it while laying in my bedroom that I have had for the last 23 years when I was home in August. The last line of the poem says "Running to get back, not running to get away." The poem started out about running but as the path changed, it ended in being an anomoly about life. Unanswered questions are best often found when we give ourselves the peace to find them. We get caught up, we get swept away, what to do next, where to head to, what to eat, who to hang out. My biggest lessons in the last year I have learned, give myself some peace and quiet. I no longer search for noise and commotion. Appreciate every penny I have, and if I have two, give away one. Money will never bring me happiness as so clearly proved in my volunteer experiment, and I will always have more when I give more. Lastly, to stop feeling bad. I believe that people often apologize too often in life for feeling and being who they are. I believe that women do this more often than men as well. I have felt bad lately that I am not fluent in Spanish, I have felt bad that I do not have more time for certain things in my life, I have felt bad that I didn't agree with someone in a meeting, but the feelings are wasted if I don't own them. We don't have to feel bad for being who we are and believing in what we do. I believe that I will someday speak Spanish without hesitation and for that why feel bad in the meantime?
I always used to say to the kids I worked with in the states when they were refusing to do something they were supposed to "I only ask you to try." Trying is not scary, fear of not achieving the given goal is. If we ask children only to try something once, be it food, games, homework, sports, going to bed early, why don't we ask ourselves to try. Try to have more patience, try to own your own feelings, try to sit still, try to have focus. These are the lessons I have learned in a year, lessons I hope I try to carry with me.
Anyways, a year ago I fell three times in one week, a run, a bike ride, a set of stairs, I was so sore and bruised and a bit bloody I was wondering if someone was trying to tell me something. I haven't learned what it is yet. I am sure my "new age, how to find your 6th sense book" I have been trying to read lately would tell me that I am moving to fast and to slow down, why else would suddenly I be crashing to the ground on a regular basis. "I can dance!" I always shout at people when I hear the word clumsy, how can I be clumsy when I am good at dancing? Maybe someone isn't telling me something!
I have spent a year in South America, Chile to be exact and I just watched for the first time ever, Motorcycle Diaries...and I was completely moved. Somtimes I think we loose focus, we get caught up in everyday life. After just celebrating Chile's bicentenial independance day celebrations for a total of four days and five nights, its pretty easy to loose focus! Aka there was a BIT of partying and enjoying life that ensued in the last four days. I have written several posts now on this blog that I started a year ago, having no idea then I would still be here, still writing late at night when I should be sleeping or putting my thoughts in a journal and not posting them for whoever wants to see. Focus is a good word though, and clarity. Without it, sometimes we lose a sense of self. I do not believe we can lose our way as the saying goes, cause there is no way. The path is what you make it, everyday you wake up, you make decisions, thousands and millions of decisions that impact everything that happens. The ripples fall a certain way depending on the rocks and the wind. I haven't lost anyway, cause I do not know the way, but I do need to find my focus. I believe after a sad day last week, one that we all deserve once in a while to have, to let us know we are alive and we breath the same air whether from the south or north of Santiago, to huts of togo, Africa or San Diego, California...we are all the same in the end. And so this day gave me some pain which reminded me to stay alive. Find my focus. I came to South America for a reason that was never clear to me.
I wrote a poem in 10th grade about running. I think its very vivid to me still cause it hung in my bedroom to this day, and I read it while laying in my bedroom that I have had for the last 23 years when I was home in August. The last line of the poem says "Running to get back, not running to get away." The poem started out about running but as the path changed, it ended in being an anomoly about life. Unanswered questions are best often found when we give ourselves the peace to find them. We get caught up, we get swept away, what to do next, where to head to, what to eat, who to hang out. My biggest lessons in the last year I have learned, give myself some peace and quiet. I no longer search for noise and commotion. Appreciate every penny I have, and if I have two, give away one. Money will never bring me happiness as so clearly proved in my volunteer experiment, and I will always have more when I give more. Lastly, to stop feeling bad. I believe that people often apologize too often in life for feeling and being who they are. I believe that women do this more often than men as well. I have felt bad lately that I am not fluent in Spanish, I have felt bad that I do not have more time for certain things in my life, I have felt bad that I didn't agree with someone in a meeting, but the feelings are wasted if I don't own them. We don't have to feel bad for being who we are and believing in what we do. I believe that I will someday speak Spanish without hesitation and for that why feel bad in the meantime?
I always used to say to the kids I worked with in the states when they were refusing to do something they were supposed to "I only ask you to try." Trying is not scary, fear of not achieving the given goal is. If we ask children only to try something once, be it food, games, homework, sports, going to bed early, why don't we ask ourselves to try. Try to have more patience, try to own your own feelings, try to sit still, try to have focus. These are the lessons I have learned in a year, lessons I hope I try to carry with me.
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