From 1 to 100, what they don't tell you about baby number 2
Nico and I took a while to decide if and when to have a second baby. We felt really lucky with our first, besides the first three months which completely turned my life upside down, she slept, she ate, she smiled, she grew, she's smart, she's a joy. We wondered what if the second one wasn't? Then there was the whole moving of countries, spending all our savings, not finding jobs right away, adjusting to life in a new country and basically getting really used to life as three. Finally we made the decision and what felt like in a blink of an eye we went from three to four. Only it felt a lot more like from one child to one hundred. In all those years of contemplating number two, the nine months of pregnancy, not one person, friend or foe, mentioned that the second baby would be harder. Noone. SO when it was....well I was just shocked. Then suddenly everyone I knew with more than one child started chiming in about how hard number 2 was. Like litteraly, my OBGYN, friends of friends, strangers in the street, all were like of yea number 2 really floors you. Uh huh.
Now here's the thing, baby number 2 or better yet Clara, is 8 months old and fiercely independent already. She will play by herself for a while, she absolutely loves eating, she smiles and giggles a lot, she is a decent sleeper when she isn't sick. *which at the moment she is and we haven't slept in 2 nights, so why I am up writing this is beyond me.* She is very strong, already pulling herself up and getting ready to crawl, she has to grab everything in sight, and loves and fears her older sister. Her lovely older sister, aka baby number 1, is still a bit jealous and a little bit too rough for anyone's liking with her. I know she loves her but I also think she pretends to knock her over by accident because she secretly wants all the attention back.
So noone mentioned that your life would turn upside down a second time. It's completely different this time, I am not giving up my work out schedule or my social calendar which was meek to begin with, but all that Meghan time that used to exist in the nooks and crannies of 3 year old life with working, well it's gone. Those hours after the child was asleep to do whatever you wanted, gone. The 8 hour sleep night, gone. What's left, well for me an increase in insomnia, anxiety, and thinking about the past and future. Days I want to wish away the years until they're older and playing together and more independent to moments where I kiss her little head and think I'll never have another baby, how did I get so old, where did my life go? I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about time lately. Wondering where it went and how to slow it down while speeding up the bits I am not enjoying.
Now instead of worrying about one little person, I am worrying about 2. I really feel like most days are a marathon, no exaggeration. From the moment I open my eyes I am thrust a baby onto my chest to breast feed, I don't mind this too much, but gone are the days when you hit snooze or checked out the weather before fully getting out of bed. While I lay half dead in my bed feeding Clara, Amelia without fail climbs onto the other half of my body every morning trying her best to squeeze her four year old body onto my lap. While stroking her sister's head and telling me she loves me. As soon as Clara is fed, we are up and moving for the day and we don't sit or rest until well usually both children are asleep, then preparing for the next day, cleaning the kitchen, scrubbing the food off the floor, packing three lunches, picking up the toys, spraying the food stained clothes by the washer, putting away the bath tubs, etc. I go between loving my husband more and being jealous of him. While he doesn't have it easy by a long shot, and has graciously taken the night shift for the last few months after I stopped night feeding at 5 months, some days we really work like a team and others we're at each other's throats comparing who slept more, who cleaned more or why I need to see the floor at the end of the night and can't just leave the clothes, toys and dishes until tomorrow. Tomorrow will start a new mess.
I think I'm in "the thick of it" or "the trenches" I have heard it called lately. Things have greatly improved from the first 4-5 months where we had to rock her to sleep for every nap and waking. Where there wasn't many places to set her down and sleep deprivation and caring for a three year old were hard work, but yet despite the improvements, I still wonder if these days will be a blurry memory one day. My days at home with the girls are sometimes fun but also so tiring. From balancing a baby on my hip while getting my 4 year old to swim class or ballet class or a play date to cooking dinner with a baby on my hip and a 4 year old literally under my feet, to basically anything...going the bathroom with "a baby on my hip and a four year old under my feet." You would think that I would be so tired that sleep would be easy but I developed some weird post partum insomnia after Clara finally started sleeping better and many nights a week I have trouble sleeping, I mean WT actual F. Did I mention I feel old? I have been sick for the last month with a sinus infection, in the past I would be sick like 3 days tops. One whole month. Of a headache. On top of sleep difficulties and well a daily marathon.
Things no one told me:
You will lose yourself in number 2, because there are not enough hours in the day to care for two children while your partner is gone 12 plus hours a day to have you time anymore. When you do get "you time" I usually either spend it under a blanket on the couch watching This is US or in the bathtub doing deep breathing and thinking about all the things I used to do when I had free time. Free time is responding to text messages that I have ignored all day, making lists of things I need to do, checking the calendar for to dos and classes and upcoming events, checking my dwindling bank account, cause guess what 2 kids in daycare is ACTUALLY more than our rent.
The house will ALWAYS be messy. I really like order and cleanliness. I wish I didn't. I wish I could ignore the dishes, or the dust in the corner, but I can't. Its not good, because it means most of my free time I am cleaning. And no matter how many times a day I clean the kitchen it's dirty 20 minutes later. No matter how much clothes I pick up there are more to pick up. It's endless.
You will feel overwhelmed and you will feel like you are the only one overwhelmed. Everyone has got this but me. I may have a touch of post partum anxiety or I may be the only one being honest about how hard life feels sometimes. I am not sure. All I know is, I used to be uber relaxed, now I'm like reading books about how to relax again in my life.
You're marriage or partnership will get stretched thin and wide. I know we're a rubber band that can get stretched and bend and messed up but holds tight, but as there is less time for me, there is definitely less time for us. More kids to talk about, more things to plan, less time for the couple that started it all.
You're body really changes. I have lost all the baby weight, I weigh the same as I did 10 years ago but yet I don't think this is my body. There is lose bits where there didn't use to be, my back hurts when I sit a certain way. The wrinkles under my eyes are serious. I have a lot of gray hair. I get weird aches and pains now and well you know this constant headache....
There is just so much more guilt. Guilt for baby number 1, guilt for husband, for work, for baby number 2, for hobbies unfinished, the run you wanted to do all week but haven't gotten to. Guilt for late payments, late emails, texts unread. For yelling, for not listening, for wondering if you're doing anything right to not wanting to think about anyone else at all. Just guilt man. And more of it.
You will do more in one day than you ever dreamed possible. I used to think life was busy when it was just me, then it was me and him, then the three of us and now it's like what? And I am sure some day when they're older and have a million activities it will be even busier. I got out of work 20 minutes early today and I had 5 hours of cumulative sleep last night and I literally booked it to the gym to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes, I needed it so badly I didn't care about anything else. My body hurts now but at least my mind is tired.
Someone is always sick. Clara is sick again, she just got over the last cold. Amelia came in the room with a belly ache, I have been sick for a month. Not only do we have more little germs and less sleep we have FOUR months of snowy winter to contend with!
You will learn to be nice and friendly and patient and calm when you are exhausted, headachey, sad, and tired. These kids are ALWAYS watching me and I'm all they have most of the time so everything I feel gets put aside for them. Working with a baby at home sort of sucks and is awesome at the same time. I didn't
have to work this early or this much with baby number 1, life was completely different. IT's so much more work going to work 3 days a week but it's also kind of quiet and at times nice to be away from home.
You will love baby number 2 fiercely, the whole time I was pregnant I wondered how I would have another girl and feel the same way I did about my baby number 1. It was really hard to imagine and many times I even googled it. I was less connected to my pregnancy and it kind of just slipped by quickly, then the first 6 weeks she really floored me. Now the love I feel for her squishy adorable toothy smile is fierce. I would jump in front of a bus for either of my children.
I don't think I'll remember most of this. I was thinking in the car today that I kind of forgot the first 5 months of her life already, like it's there and I can stop and think about it but it's also kind of blurry. I look at baby pictures of Amelia and remember certain events and moments but it's kind of blurry. Even on the dark dreary days now when I'm too tired to think anymore, I won't remember any of it. This too shall pass. One day it will be a distant memory and I'll be checking the weather on my phone again in the morning and probably miss my morning cuddles. That feels like a lifetime away but I know that this life that feels so contemplative and confusing and messy and exhausting right now will also be over really quickly. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I keep trying to decide how I feel about all of it and I guess I need to just feel it and stop trying to understand it.
But you've been warned, baby number 2 will floor you. I've heard it from countless friends and when I'm out of the trenches someday I'll try to remember to tell you when you ask me. :)
Now here's the thing, baby number 2 or better yet Clara, is 8 months old and fiercely independent already. She will play by herself for a while, she absolutely loves eating, she smiles and giggles a lot, she is a decent sleeper when she isn't sick. *which at the moment she is and we haven't slept in 2 nights, so why I am up writing this is beyond me.* She is very strong, already pulling herself up and getting ready to crawl, she has to grab everything in sight, and loves and fears her older sister. Her lovely older sister, aka baby number 1, is still a bit jealous and a little bit too rough for anyone's liking with her. I know she loves her but I also think she pretends to knock her over by accident because she secretly wants all the attention back.
So noone mentioned that your life would turn upside down a second time. It's completely different this time, I am not giving up my work out schedule or my social calendar which was meek to begin with, but all that Meghan time that used to exist in the nooks and crannies of 3 year old life with working, well it's gone. Those hours after the child was asleep to do whatever you wanted, gone. The 8 hour sleep night, gone. What's left, well for me an increase in insomnia, anxiety, and thinking about the past and future. Days I want to wish away the years until they're older and playing together and more independent to moments where I kiss her little head and think I'll never have another baby, how did I get so old, where did my life go? I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about time lately. Wondering where it went and how to slow it down while speeding up the bits I am not enjoying.
Now instead of worrying about one little person, I am worrying about 2. I really feel like most days are a marathon, no exaggeration. From the moment I open my eyes I am thrust a baby onto my chest to breast feed, I don't mind this too much, but gone are the days when you hit snooze or checked out the weather before fully getting out of bed. While I lay half dead in my bed feeding Clara, Amelia without fail climbs onto the other half of my body every morning trying her best to squeeze her four year old body onto my lap. While stroking her sister's head and telling me she loves me. As soon as Clara is fed, we are up and moving for the day and we don't sit or rest until well usually both children are asleep, then preparing for the next day, cleaning the kitchen, scrubbing the food off the floor, packing three lunches, picking up the toys, spraying the food stained clothes by the washer, putting away the bath tubs, etc. I go between loving my husband more and being jealous of him. While he doesn't have it easy by a long shot, and has graciously taken the night shift for the last few months after I stopped night feeding at 5 months, some days we really work like a team and others we're at each other's throats comparing who slept more, who cleaned more or why I need to see the floor at the end of the night and can't just leave the clothes, toys and dishes until tomorrow. Tomorrow will start a new mess.
I think I'm in "the thick of it" or "the trenches" I have heard it called lately. Things have greatly improved from the first 4-5 months where we had to rock her to sleep for every nap and waking. Where there wasn't many places to set her down and sleep deprivation and caring for a three year old were hard work, but yet despite the improvements, I still wonder if these days will be a blurry memory one day. My days at home with the girls are sometimes fun but also so tiring. From balancing a baby on my hip while getting my 4 year old to swim class or ballet class or a play date to cooking dinner with a baby on my hip and a 4 year old literally under my feet, to basically anything...going the bathroom with "a baby on my hip and a four year old under my feet." You would think that I would be so tired that sleep would be easy but I developed some weird post partum insomnia after Clara finally started sleeping better and many nights a week I have trouble sleeping, I mean WT actual F. Did I mention I feel old? I have been sick for the last month with a sinus infection, in the past I would be sick like 3 days tops. One whole month. Of a headache. On top of sleep difficulties and well a daily marathon.
Things no one told me:
You will lose yourself in number 2, because there are not enough hours in the day to care for two children while your partner is gone 12 plus hours a day to have you time anymore. When you do get "you time" I usually either spend it under a blanket on the couch watching This is US or in the bathtub doing deep breathing and thinking about all the things I used to do when I had free time. Free time is responding to text messages that I have ignored all day, making lists of things I need to do, checking the calendar for to dos and classes and upcoming events, checking my dwindling bank account, cause guess what 2 kids in daycare is ACTUALLY more than our rent.
The house will ALWAYS be messy. I really like order and cleanliness. I wish I didn't. I wish I could ignore the dishes, or the dust in the corner, but I can't. Its not good, because it means most of my free time I am cleaning. And no matter how many times a day I clean the kitchen it's dirty 20 minutes later. No matter how much clothes I pick up there are more to pick up. It's endless.
You will feel overwhelmed and you will feel like you are the only one overwhelmed. Everyone has got this but me. I may have a touch of post partum anxiety or I may be the only one being honest about how hard life feels sometimes. I am not sure. All I know is, I used to be uber relaxed, now I'm like reading books about how to relax again in my life.
You're marriage or partnership will get stretched thin and wide. I know we're a rubber band that can get stretched and bend and messed up but holds tight, but as there is less time for me, there is definitely less time for us. More kids to talk about, more things to plan, less time for the couple that started it all.
You're body really changes. I have lost all the baby weight, I weigh the same as I did 10 years ago but yet I don't think this is my body. There is lose bits where there didn't use to be, my back hurts when I sit a certain way. The wrinkles under my eyes are serious. I have a lot of gray hair. I get weird aches and pains now and well you know this constant headache....
There is just so much more guilt. Guilt for baby number 1, guilt for husband, for work, for baby number 2, for hobbies unfinished, the run you wanted to do all week but haven't gotten to. Guilt for late payments, late emails, texts unread. For yelling, for not listening, for wondering if you're doing anything right to not wanting to think about anyone else at all. Just guilt man. And more of it.
You will do more in one day than you ever dreamed possible. I used to think life was busy when it was just me, then it was me and him, then the three of us and now it's like what? And I am sure some day when they're older and have a million activities it will be even busier. I got out of work 20 minutes early today and I had 5 hours of cumulative sleep last night and I literally booked it to the gym to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes, I needed it so badly I didn't care about anything else. My body hurts now but at least my mind is tired.
Someone is always sick. Clara is sick again, she just got over the last cold. Amelia came in the room with a belly ache, I have been sick for a month. Not only do we have more little germs and less sleep we have FOUR months of snowy winter to contend with!
You will learn to be nice and friendly and patient and calm when you are exhausted, headachey, sad, and tired. These kids are ALWAYS watching me and I'm all they have most of the time so everything I feel gets put aside for them. Working with a baby at home sort of sucks and is awesome at the same time. I didn't
You will love baby number 2 fiercely, the whole time I was pregnant I wondered how I would have another girl and feel the same way I did about my baby number 1. It was really hard to imagine and many times I even googled it. I was less connected to my pregnancy and it kind of just slipped by quickly, then the first 6 weeks she really floored me. Now the love I feel for her squishy adorable toothy smile is fierce. I would jump in front of a bus for either of my children.
I don't think I'll remember most of this. I was thinking in the car today that I kind of forgot the first 5 months of her life already, like it's there and I can stop and think about it but it's also kind of blurry. I look at baby pictures of Amelia and remember certain events and moments but it's kind of blurry. Even on the dark dreary days now when I'm too tired to think anymore, I won't remember any of it. This too shall pass. One day it will be a distant memory and I'll be checking the weather on my phone again in the morning and probably miss my morning cuddles. That feels like a lifetime away but I know that this life that feels so contemplative and confusing and messy and exhausting right now will also be over really quickly. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I keep trying to decide how I feel about all of it and I guess I need to just feel it and stop trying to understand it.
But you've been warned, baby number 2 will floor you. I've heard it from countless friends and when I'm out of the trenches someday I'll try to remember to tell you when you ask me. :)
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