Clara's Birth Story, my review of Hypnobirthing

If you couldn't tell from the title above, this is not a post for the weak at heart.

I was resigned to make this birth (number 2) go better than the first. I really wanted one of those quiet, peaceful, beautiful birth stories. I watched video after video of those types of births, I read two hypnotherapy books, I took a 500.00 6 week hypnobirthing class, I meditated daily, I got a doula and I did daily exercises to get the baby in a good position, I even walked 2-3 miles a day! Similar to the first go, my due date came and went peacefully. I thought I would be OK with it this time, I think I would be more patient....but something inside of me slowly started snapping. I worked until I was 38 weeks pregnant this time, taking two weeks off to prepare my body, mind, house and life for baby 2. That was very helpful, from daily walks, yoga, acupuncture and cleaning, I did enjoy my time off even if it was still the end of dreary winter. Yet, three days past due date and I found myself once again in tears wondering what was wrong with my body. I wanted to go into natural labor. I craved that excitement of feeling a contraction at home, laboring at home, taking my time getting to the hospital, but every little pain that came on in those three days subsided leaving me feeling more and more defeated. Despite my best efforts to just "enjoy the day," I had nothing to do but wait, I couldn't help feeling something was "wrong" with my body that I couldn't start labor spontaneously. 

I had heard multiple birth stories about number 2 coming on and going quickly, I had my fingers and toes crossed. I went for a follow up ultra sound 4 days after my due date as my fluid levels were low on my due date. My lovely doctor came in the room and calmly said it was time, the levels had gotten too low and I needed to make my way to the hospital for induction. The tears came pouring out, once again I would be induced into labour, the one thing I had spent 9 months planning against. I picked myself up and went home with hubby in tow to pack our bags for hospital and arrange for our 3 year old to be cared for. The good news was that I was not to start immediately on pitocin and I could take a pill called Misoprostal that was supposed to bring about contractions. They could give me one every 6 hours trying to get labour to pick up on its own before having to do more methods. 

I took my first Miso pill at 4pm on Thursday March 21 and waited, we watched TV, ate dinner, hung out, around 8pm I started to feel some early contractions. They gave me a second dose at 10pm to keep things moving along and labor did pick up. They decided that my body had naturally taken over and I wasn't given any more augmentation after that. That was the good news, the bad news was my whole labor was to take place in the hospital room hooked up to constant fetal monitoring (due to the low fluid levels). I could only move a few feet. I was also put on an IV fluid drip for dehydration. I begged to get in the tub (another dream of mine) and somewhere around 2am the nurse convinced the doctor on duty (not my normal Dr) to let me go off machines for 30 minutes. I have to say getting the bath was absolutely lovely and wish I could have had a water birth in the end. It was a short but satisfying pain relief in the bath tub. I laboured throughout the night, using my hypnobirthing techniques, lots of deep breathing and even at some point was able to take micro sleeps (2-3 min) between each contraction as the night went on. Around 8 in the morning the doctor checked me after about 12 hours of labor and found I was only 4-5cm. I was pretty dejected (as they said you would be in class if you heard that after hours of work.) I tried to remain upbeat thinking baby could be born by noon but contractions had gotten incredibly intense by then. The next few hours are a bit of a blur. I couldn't hold on to my hypnobirthing much any more, the pain became very very intense, 90 sec contractions feeling 1 minute apart, I remember the feeling of a contraction having two peaks instead of one and being utterly exhausted. I hadn't slept all night and was grasping for air at times. Nico was supportive and hands on throughout my labor but there was a point where I just couldn't speak anymore and I wished he could read my mind and would have reassured me more. Around noon I asked for the doctor and she checked me saying was 8cm, she also noted that the baby was "sunny side up." I couldn't believe my ears, all that prepping and she was still switched around. It explained the prolonged painful labor.  I thought I would go insane thinking that end could be hours away. After 16 hours of labor and allllll those months of preparing I weeped and asked for an epidural, I felt completely defeated. 

Problem was, none were available, as they searched the hospital (as I was told) for an anaetheologist I continued to grip the bed rail and breath long hard breaths. I felt warm liquid on my legs and looked down, my water had broken and a lot of liquid and blood was flowing down my legs. The blood scared the bejesus out of me, but then nurse calmly cleaned me saying it was OK. Finally (time?) someone came in and said they could do an epidural. She asked me sit very still (contractions were on top of each other at this point). As the needle went in my back, I still don't remember it at all, as the contractions were 1000x more painful, I felt something between my legs. I had just enough energy to say "I think the baby is here." The nurse told me to stay still as they were administering the epidural. As soon as they finished and told me to lay back down, I again said "I think the baby is coming out." The nurse calmly asked if I wanted to be examined I replied yes and as she put on gloves and opened my legs, sure enough she agreed with me. "Well your fully dilated and she's ready to come out." I wanted to laugh as I had the epidural for all of 10 seconds but I guess it did give me a reprieve and have more energy to push. Suddenly my doctor came in the room, I knew she started her shift at 1:30pm that day so I knew what time it was and she said "just in time for delivery." A few pushes later, Clara Isabel was born at 1:59pm. 

I felt like a huge failure after her birth for a few hours knowing that I had given in to the epidural (and at 10cm!) if I had known that I would give birth about 40 min from the time they did the epidural I could have definitely held out. I know the importance of your partner being trained in the hypnobirthing as well as the nurse or midwife as well. It didn't matter towards the end what I had studied, my brain wasn't working and pain clouded all my judgment. It would have helped if others in the room had calmed me or reassured me in the methods I had leaned. I know they thought they were doing the right thing by letting me choose what I wanted, but I feel like that was one thing I would have liked more. I also will never understand why both my babies came down back to back causing long painful labors, but it may have something to do with all my leg crossing.  

Clara was 8.2 lbs and 21 inches long, almost the exact weight and height of her sister at birth, and so similar in features. It felt so similar. Except she screamed! Amelia came out and never really made a peep for days, Clara kept crying and crying in the beginning. I think she was pushed out a lot faster than Amelia so maybe didn't like that!

I still highly recommend hypnobirthing as a method for labor and birth. I know it gave me tons of confidence and calm despite my sometimes anxious nature. I don't know why with both my births never started labor naturally. In the end I am grateful to modern medicine for giving me two beautiful healthy babies through natural birth. I am grateful that I didn't need the Pitocin drip with Clara and my body did take over. Sometimes I think it's amazing to think I'm done having children in my life. Makes me feel old. That that chapter is already closed. 

To all the mamas out there, whatever you choose for your birth story, it doesn't matter in the end, its your story. Enjoy it and enjoy your babies, you are warriors.

Feels appropriate to be writing this post on my last day of maternity leave. Although I went back to work 8 weeks ago I have had a reduced schedule and this is my official last day home with just Clarita. Very sad. I'll miss having these moments with you. Maternity leave in America huh.