Who am I?
I copied the following words from a parenting source I use often when asking questions about baby, how many feeds, what should her naps look like, why is shy blinking so much, should she blink?....you get the picture, anyways, at the end of the 8 month old development spiel it said this...
"You may not see yourself as being a separate individual to your baby at this point. Because you are so connected and attached to them it may be difficult for you to maintain your own sense of identity and self awareness. This is a common, but not well discussed issue of early parenting. If you have always valued your independence and maintained a strong sense of self, this can be a challenging time."
Huh.
Someone just put it in writing. So it's not just me. So this is real. This sense of self. I couldn't have captured it better myself, I have had this sense of searching for a while, but I've always had that. We live in a modern day and age where the grass is always greener. Our generation is the worst at this, our parents kept jobs for 20 plus years, they also kept houses, relationships, friendships, and some of them even hometowns. Us? Well I've lived in four countries and I'm 33. Neither my husband or I are from this country and he just changed careers at 35. I've had 4 professional jobs since I graduated with my masters in 2007. Its 2016 and I'm on maternity leave.
Huh.
What happened? Did we do this or did technology cause this? When did it start, this generation of searching, something better, something more, something else. The next relationship, job, apartment, piece of furniture, next adventure, next hobby, new restaurant, better bar. Are we so unfulfilled in our lives that we can't sit still and enjoy the moment, that we can't stay in the same job for 10 years? That we can't stay in the same relationship for 20? I have friends who studied counseling and sell real estate, very few people I know live in the town they grew up in and I have several divorced friends in their early 30s.
Why can't we be still? Why do we keep searching? Maybe it's just me. But my baby source book nailed it. She said I would have lost my sense of identity and I have. Not forever, but it's teetering on no where land. I used to DO THINGS. I danced, ran, played field hockey, piano, wrote, etc....Now I'm a mom. Which is a HUGE THING. Right? Why can't I just be a mom right now. I know I'm also a wife, a daughter, a friend, a cousin and a niece. I'm lots of things to many different people, just because I don't have a piano doesn't mean I don't know how to play one, does that not make me a musician? Am I still a runner if I only run twice a week less than 5k? Who am I anymore?
Lately I feel like I'm on a losing streak with friends. One would think that this might happen naturally after having a baby. People that don't have children naturally separate themselves more, or I become less available and more absorbed into my own family, etc. However, I don't think I can blame it on that, I don't actually think being a mom is hindering my social developments with friends. I think instead, its made me less patient with people. I don't know how to explain it but I think I give a lot to my daughter, and then a bit to my husband, and try to sneak in a little bit to myself to keep my head afloat and figure out who I am as I lay my head down to rest, that I have little left over and that little left over needs to be used delicately. It needs true people who have true intentions of friendship, which means love, and sacrifice. Why do we have friends in the first place? Is it not to redefine ourselves by mirroring our best qualities with others. Is it not to have pillars to hold us up when we are feeling weak? If our friendships are more work than we're getting out of them, are they worth the investment? I've come to the sad conclusion that they are not. Maybe in the future they will be again, but for now, I think I'll circle back to me.
I want a sense of who I am. I want to learn to tell myself it's OK. It's OK you're not running like you used to and you don't have a piano. I want to tell me as my friend it's OK if you're still 5 pounds heavier than you used to be, you had a baby. If I was a good friend to me, I would say relax Meghan, you have a baby and you live abroad and your husband works 12 hours a day and you're figuring this shit out. I would say this isn't forever, its new, new things take time to adjust to. I would say, it's OK to be mad at people and to be disappointed and it's OK to let them go. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. I would say you may only run twice a week right now but in a month you might run three times a week and next year you might run a marathon and you wont remember the time that you ran twice a week and felt bad about it. I would say that life is ever constantly changing and the only definite we can hold on to is change. I would say a lot of things if I was a better friend to me, but instead I am self critical....about everything, about being a mom, always. Who isn't?
I think this will take time to figure out, this new role in life, accepting and letting people go, understanding that relationships shift and change like the wind and nothing stays the same forever. I think figuring out who I am now will take time. I'm not only a mom or a wife or a daughter, I'm not only a social worker or a musician or a writer, but I'm many things to many people, the question now is who am I to me? I think the biggest question I ask myself lately is why I am my biggest critic, shouldn't I be my biggest fan?
"You may not see yourself as being a separate individual to your baby at this point. Because you are so connected and attached to them it may be difficult for you to maintain your own sense of identity and self awareness. This is a common, but not well discussed issue of early parenting. If you have always valued your independence and maintained a strong sense of self, this can be a challenging time."
Huh.
Someone just put it in writing. So it's not just me. So this is real. This sense of self. I couldn't have captured it better myself, I have had this sense of searching for a while, but I've always had that. We live in a modern day and age where the grass is always greener. Our generation is the worst at this, our parents kept jobs for 20 plus years, they also kept houses, relationships, friendships, and some of them even hometowns. Us? Well I've lived in four countries and I'm 33. Neither my husband or I are from this country and he just changed careers at 35. I've had 4 professional jobs since I graduated with my masters in 2007. Its 2016 and I'm on maternity leave.
Huh.
What happened? Did we do this or did technology cause this? When did it start, this generation of searching, something better, something more, something else. The next relationship, job, apartment, piece of furniture, next adventure, next hobby, new restaurant, better bar. Are we so unfulfilled in our lives that we can't sit still and enjoy the moment, that we can't stay in the same job for 10 years? That we can't stay in the same relationship for 20? I have friends who studied counseling and sell real estate, very few people I know live in the town they grew up in and I have several divorced friends in their early 30s.
Why can't we be still? Why do we keep searching? Maybe it's just me. But my baby source book nailed it. She said I would have lost my sense of identity and I have. Not forever, but it's teetering on no where land. I used to DO THINGS. I danced, ran, played field hockey, piano, wrote, etc....Now I'm a mom. Which is a HUGE THING. Right? Why can't I just be a mom right now. I know I'm also a wife, a daughter, a friend, a cousin and a niece. I'm lots of things to many different people, just because I don't have a piano doesn't mean I don't know how to play one, does that not make me a musician? Am I still a runner if I only run twice a week less than 5k? Who am I anymore?
Lately I feel like I'm on a losing streak with friends. One would think that this might happen naturally after having a baby. People that don't have children naturally separate themselves more, or I become less available and more absorbed into my own family, etc. However, I don't think I can blame it on that, I don't actually think being a mom is hindering my social developments with friends. I think instead, its made me less patient with people. I don't know how to explain it but I think I give a lot to my daughter, and then a bit to my husband, and try to sneak in a little bit to myself to keep my head afloat and figure out who I am as I lay my head down to rest, that I have little left over and that little left over needs to be used delicately. It needs true people who have true intentions of friendship, which means love, and sacrifice. Why do we have friends in the first place? Is it not to redefine ourselves by mirroring our best qualities with others. Is it not to have pillars to hold us up when we are feeling weak? If our friendships are more work than we're getting out of them, are they worth the investment? I've come to the sad conclusion that they are not. Maybe in the future they will be again, but for now, I think I'll circle back to me.
I want a sense of who I am. I want to learn to tell myself it's OK. It's OK you're not running like you used to and you don't have a piano. I want to tell me as my friend it's OK if you're still 5 pounds heavier than you used to be, you had a baby. If I was a good friend to me, I would say relax Meghan, you have a baby and you live abroad and your husband works 12 hours a day and you're figuring this shit out. I would say this isn't forever, its new, new things take time to adjust to. I would say, it's OK to be mad at people and to be disappointed and it's OK to let them go. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. I would say you may only run twice a week right now but in a month you might run three times a week and next year you might run a marathon and you wont remember the time that you ran twice a week and felt bad about it. I would say that life is ever constantly changing and the only definite we can hold on to is change. I would say a lot of things if I was a better friend to me, but instead I am self critical....about everything, about being a mom, always. Who isn't?
I think this will take time to figure out, this new role in life, accepting and letting people go, understanding that relationships shift and change like the wind and nothing stays the same forever. I think figuring out who I am now will take time. I'm not only a mom or a wife or a daughter, I'm not only a social worker or a musician or a writer, but I'm many things to many people, the question now is who am I to me? I think the biggest question I ask myself lately is why I am my biggest critic, shouldn't I be my biggest fan?
Oh my darling Meg- if only I could give advice but until I go through it, I know it will seem a little unfounded, but what I can say is that you are a bloody champion for bringing life into this world, without your family closeby. hang in there, small steps forward, and know that I am here for you any time you need a chat, a whinge or a cry- no judgements, just love. Big hugs my dear friend - I'll have so much to learn from you xxxx
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