8 days late, my sort of hypnobirthing story.

I wrote a blog post a few days before my due date....well here is a pick up from where we left off...

My due date came and went, quietly, I thought for sure she would be here any day now, in fact I went for my 40 week check up all confident and excited only to hear the doctor say "she still hasn't moved down into your pelvis." aka she wasn't ready yet, chalk it up to hormones or killing anticipation, I cried the. whole. day. I know, silly right? I just couldn't stop crying, I went for a walk, I had coffee, I talked about my feelings to my husband, but the tears kept coming. Eventually I treated myself to an amazing vegan lunch and the tears stopped. I went back to using my hypnobirthing and sat in a sunny spot in the park and meditated, she will come when she is ready and my body is ready and everything is fine....ooommmm.....ommmm..

The next week was a slow week, I kept myself busy by baking and cooking! I made a new desert everyday, thank god I didn't gain 100 pounds, but I walked, ate and read, trying to stay calm, every little niggle and cramp I got all excited for labor to begin but it always faded into nothingness. I went to my 41 week apt. 

On the way to the apt at the hospital contractions started, I had been having period like pains in the morning but tried to ignore them as to not get my hopes up. I went to my apt and by the time we arrived to the hospital I was sure I was in labor, I put on my headphones to light FM and practiced my mediation, I breathed through each fairly easy contraction. Eventually someone in the waiting room noticed me and my husband (concerned) told them we thought I was in labor, they brought me in for monitoring. I was assessed as in early labor and only 1 cm dilated. The doctor suggested that I have an induction as she wasn't convinced that the contractions would continue and my water level in utero had dropped. I declined, I was set on a natural birth and the thought of induction terrified me, I crossed my fingers and toes the contractions would continue and made my way back home to wait. 

By nighttime they were much stronger and I was timing them, around 4 minutes apart lasting about a minute each. It was time! We got our bags again and headed for the hospital around 4 in the morning. We arrived at assessment only to be dejected and told I was 2cm dilated! I had never been more disappointed, she confirmed I was having regular contractions but they weren't strong enough to be dilating me. I never knew early labor could last THAT long, and as the Hollywood movies go, they sent us and our bags home stating to wait till they got stronger and we would know when to come back. The midwife reassured me it was very normal for first babies for labor to take a long time to establish. They offered me a stronger painkiller as I hadn't had any sleep and I accepted. The midwife gave me two Panadiene fortes and sent us home. On the tram ride back to the house, I started to feel a familiar burning sensation in my chest and started to sweat all over, I asked Nico to google Panadiene Forte, as we didn't even know what it was. Sure enough it contained Codeine, to which I was allergic to and put me in the hospital a year ago. We looked at each other with panic in our eyes, what would happen now? I arrived home and to the best of my ability got into child pose on the ground moaning and swaying from the pain in my chest, I joked that at least the pain from the allergic reaction was numbing the contraction pain. Nico didn't laugh. I decided that it couldn't last more than 4 hours as I dripped sweat onto the living room floor and scrunched my eyes waiting to feel better. We both fell asleep there on the cold floor, I woke up looking at my amazing husband curled up on the living room floor next to me. We had slept for 2 hours, it was a great sleep. I covered him with a blanket and got onto the couch to continue counting contractions. What a morning. I popped in my hypnobirthing tracks and tried to tune out again. 

 I waited all day Thursday continually having stronger and longer contractions, I used the ball, walked, took the stairs, sipped water and eventually moved to using my tens machine by nightfall. The contractions had gotten much stronger and were radiating down my legs. Again like clockwork around 3am Friday morning we went back to hospital and I was sure I was 5-6 cm at this stage. I had been using my tens machine for the last several hours. I got to hospital and once again...only 3 cm, my body was certainly taking its time!! I cried and they offered me a pain killer to get some sleep, I explained how the last midwife had clearly not read my chart and she looked and apologetically stated that I was allergic to codeine and she would call the doctor to see what else they could give me. In the meantime they wanted to monitor the baby. The nurse came back in with Endone, I was very nervous to take something else but she reassured me it would be OK. She also discovered I was very dehydrated and set me up with a fluid drip, I fell asleep for a blissful two hours of sleep in the emergency center. When I woke however there was a doctor, attendant and my husband staring at me, they calmly and very reassuringly told me that the baby's heart rate was consistently dropping with every contraction I was having. They didn't know why but they would like to take me up to birth suite to induce me. I was so against induction (after reading way too many books in my pregnancy and studying yoga and hypnobirthing) that I nodded still thinking I could talk my way out of it when we got upstairs. 

We met with a lovely doctor in birth suite who explained again the reasons that she felt the baby was in distress and that she would like to break my waters and put me on the synthetic drip. I agreed to breaking my waters and she agreed to give my body 2 hours after that to see if spontaneous labor began. My contractions had of course stopped, (terrified I imagine of the white walls of the hospital.) The doctor asked the last time I ate and I couldn't remember, probably more than 24 hours ago, I was under the impression you shouldn't eat in labor, they sent me to the cafeteria to eat something before beginning, I had some toast and prepared myself for the induction, after 40 hours of contractions I was ready to have this baby!

I returned and she broke my waters, which came out murky brown and confirmed that the baby had pooed in utero and there was a lot of meconium in my waters. I then hypothesized that my waters had in fact broken a few days ago or maybe were leaking as I was leaking the same color brown onto my pad for two days but thought it was "the show." Another sign why the baby may be in distress. Two hours came and went and some contractions but nothing steady so they inserted the drip. I was sure at any moment they would take me for an emergency Cesarean, I called my mom to let her know. Then the hormones entered my body... it was like going from pacing yourself in a marathon to being switched into an all out sprint with no warning. 

My body almost immediately took over and within the first hour I was in active labor dilating quickly. I was told later that my body moved so quickly through second stage (from 3 to 10 cm) that they had to turn the drip off. The midwives were completely amazing and had reassured me before the drip started that I had probably all those happy hormones already running through my body from early labor  and would help me along with the induction. I think they were right. At some point I asked for gas and air as the contractions were hitting me harder than a baseball bat with almost no break in between. They gave me gas on a low setting and as I inhaled deeply with each contraction, the midwife in the room asked if I had studied Lamaze or something as she was surprised how calm I was and how good my breathing was. I didn't respond however as I had entered the zone, I never spoke from when the induction started until I started pushing. I kept my eyes shut, held my husband's hand and moved through each incredible surge reminding myself this will pass, this has to end.  

I had a typed birth plan that included: 

1.No breaking of waters

2. no induction

3. no continuous monitoring, only Doppler

4. no direction to push

5. no epidural

6. pain relief to include bath, shower and gas. 

I remember laughing to myself as I leaned over the side of the bed with a catheter in me, monitors strapped across my belly for me and baby, the synthetic drip in my arm and water injections in my back. (OMG the water injections!) I'm sure nothing could hurt worse. At some stage baby flipped around and was posterior causing me excruciating pain through my back and legs, the doctor confirmed with ultrasound and I begged for the water injections I had heard about in prenatal class to alleviate back pain. The midwives looked at each other and looked at me stating something like "they hurt like hell but then you have immediate relief." To this day I'm not sure what hurt more those tiny shots or pushing the baby out! I believe the baby was posterior for the few days earlier which would explain why I felt the contractions so strong at home but wasn't dilating, a posterior labor causes excruciating pain down your back and thighs in addition to the contraction pain. The water injections are just that, water, but they take the pressure off your back. Just be warned it feels like someone branding you (4 times) on your back while they inject them. :)

Luckily bubs flipped back around at some stage unbeknownst to me, somewhere right at the end, I was 9cm dilated when I had the urge to push. They asked me to lie on the bed as it appeared my heart rate was dropping too low and they couldn't get a good reading, I finally started complaining, they were really pushing my limits as I wanted to have active pushing not laying down and every time they asked me to move I lost my concentration, but I agreed and hobbled onto the bed onto my left side. The doctor came back in and told me that I needed to wait an hour until I could push and I yelled at her "no, she's coming now!" 

Sure enough I was right, I felt like at that stage I went inside my body and I felt everything happening as she moved down and out. They had turned the drip off as the contractions were too strong and they took the gas away. I had longer gaps of rest (which apparently were important as they became worried about both me and bubs heart rates at that stage). I pushed for about 40 minutes, but I was so exhausted. The doctor spoke up that they needed the baby out now and if she didn't come out on the next contraction she would need to intervene. I didn't know that that meant but I assumed it meant a surgical intervention and I gave it my all. She suggested an episodimy, to which I of course also shouted NO, and my husband spoke up that I didn't want that either, the doctor kindly explained that the baby needed to come out as her heart rate was too low and  I was going to have a large tear, I gave in. Then the cow in me took over and with some very loud noises I had no idea were inside of me, I pushed this baby out. Its surreal, she came out, they had the baby doctor waiting in the background due to her distress but a few seconds later we heard her cries and she quickly calmed as they handed her to me. She was perfect,8.2 pounds perfect!

No one can really prepare you for labor, no one can prepare you for being a parent for the first time either. It didn't matter how many books I read or who I talked to, in the end once again it had to be your own story. I am confident that the hynobirthing helped me through my natural labor. I am happy I had a natural labor and didn't have any interventions, however it was certainly not a pain free birth as the books had suggested. What it was, was confidence that everything would be OK and that you could live through anything, as everyone says, this too shall pass. I keep repeating this to myself when my daughter is screaming in my ear at 1am as well. No one can prepare you for the pain, the joy, the love, the tiredness, but like the billions of moms around the world, you just adapt and keep going and some day it will be a memory. The first week after birth I would often close my eyes and remember some parts of the labor that were terrifying and fling my eyes open not wanting to feel the pain again, that has passed, now its becoming a distant memory, as some day my tiny adorable baby will be as she keeps growing and changing. She's already outgrown newborn clothes at 5 weeks old! I am trying to soak in every moment, which is way easier now that I am healed and adjusted to motherhood. Those first few weeks though, they were harder than labor! 

What has been the most surprising of all is the unbelievable support from other moms around the world, friends from home, friends from high school I haven't talked to in ten years, strangers from mom's groups, family, and so forth have been so forth coming and warming about what motherhood feels like and there is this silent strength about women that's not discussed until you join the mom club. Then its like you entered through a porthole, a whole new world. I try to keep pieces of my old life present (such as writing a blog post during her nap time today!) and drinking a glass of wine from time to time, but mostly my world is totally new. Its a grieving time (bye bye freedom) and an exciting time. I'm practicing being present all the time, its way too exhausting to imagine what I'll be doing an hour from now cause basically I don't know what she'll be doing and she's already running the show!