Did I find the dream?
I know I live with my head in the clouds. I know I have been hearing that for most of my life and most of my family telling me "that sounds lovely Meg, but what about reality?" I think I stopped saying everything on my mind slowly over the last several years. I am not sure I was ever quite ready for reality, ever ready to live the life that was there for me to live. I tried, I think I whole heartedly tried, I worked 7am till 8pm most days, sometimes later, I went to school for 6 years, I bought nice things, I learned about love and partnership and I ate dinner with my parents on Sundays. I paid my bills on time, I never treated anyone a way I wouldn't want to be treated and I always tried to be honest.
Then I would just go...into my head. I found the pattern. It took me many years, but I have finally found the pattern. It happens when I am scared, when I am sad, when I feel things shifting and I don't know if I have the reigns, it happens when I am bored, or when something stays the same for too long, or if I am surrounded by too many people. There are many triggers, and then boom, I can live for a few minutes to a few days in a story that doesnt really exist but its happening in my head.
I am not mentally ill. I can diagnose the mentally ill, even suggest medication, I can legally give therapy, but if someone came in and started telling the stories I make up, I might just smile and say, "its ok, you just like to dream."
Well at least one came true, I moved to a foreign country and tested my own boundaries. I continue to do so, everyday here is a new story, something changes, something shifts and I know that every small move I make impacts the way the day will pan out. I know that I impact my own life as much I do others. My favorite part of the day lately is when I leave my apt and put on my ipod and have at least a 15 minute to an hour commute somewhere and know that I have the time to listen and to dream. I pick the right song, the right band, the right genre and get going about where I am headed to next.
My last journal entry I wrote all the places I have lived, men I have married, restaurants I have owned, jobs I have had, etc...in my head. "Shit," I wrote..."maybe I am crazy." One day I lived on a remote farm in the Southern part of Argentina and rode horses with my hot argentian lover (husband, whatever, sorry mom). The next I owned my wine and tapas bar and designed the entire place down to the last wooden chair and mural on the outside wall. Soon, I was a famous writer, published my long lasting book I started when I was 20 years old, made enough money to travel to Africa to start research. I have lived in Togo, Africa in a hut, I have had famous children, wrote books, sang songs, danced (many many many times) on stage to Halo...don't ask. Ran a marathon in under 3:40, worked on a ski resort, harvested my own organic garden, fallen in love and got married in 6 days, climbed Mt. Everest, lived in New Zealand, developed a new form of therapy, owned a summer camp... or two, started my own community center, was the key note speaker at the NASW conference...should I go on? There is more, there is a lot more. "WOW," I write after the four page entry, "am I ever present?"
Yes, I am. I found the times I go into my head, usually, 99 percent of the time I am alone. Other triggers doesnt matter, a hot crowded bus, an empty park, a rainy overcast day, whatever and wherever I choose. At first it scared me, am I afraid of reality so I escape to my fantasy land? No, I thought, I just like to dream. I like to imagine what could be. I finished the entry on my happy thought, everyday I wake up happy to be alive. Happy to know the people I know, to be loved, to feel love, to be blessed with life, breath, the brains to dream and the ability to make some come true. I wrote then all that I had done in my life and that took me an even better place. I don't remember the last I woke up without smiling...I also don't remember the last dream I had that wasn't a nightmare, maybe I just save my dreams for daylight. For tucked away moments on long bus rides, for stolen times when I am suppossed to be listening to someone's story, "mountains you said"..."oh yea, I always wanted to live on a mountain and wake up looking at the sea"...and then it starts again. Oh the places I could go....
Sometimes reality is bit overdone. Sometimes, you just need to step outside, take a breath, and do exactly what you were dreaming you might just do. You never know where it is going to take you. For me, I just remember how I got there and then turn the music up a bit louder.
Then I would just go...into my head. I found the pattern. It took me many years, but I have finally found the pattern. It happens when I am scared, when I am sad, when I feel things shifting and I don't know if I have the reigns, it happens when I am bored, or when something stays the same for too long, or if I am surrounded by too many people. There are many triggers, and then boom, I can live for a few minutes to a few days in a story that doesnt really exist but its happening in my head.
I am not mentally ill. I can diagnose the mentally ill, even suggest medication, I can legally give therapy, but if someone came in and started telling the stories I make up, I might just smile and say, "its ok, you just like to dream."
Well at least one came true, I moved to a foreign country and tested my own boundaries. I continue to do so, everyday here is a new story, something changes, something shifts and I know that every small move I make impacts the way the day will pan out. I know that I impact my own life as much I do others. My favorite part of the day lately is when I leave my apt and put on my ipod and have at least a 15 minute to an hour commute somewhere and know that I have the time to listen and to dream. I pick the right song, the right band, the right genre and get going about where I am headed to next.
My last journal entry I wrote all the places I have lived, men I have married, restaurants I have owned, jobs I have had, etc...in my head. "Shit," I wrote..."maybe I am crazy." One day I lived on a remote farm in the Southern part of Argentina and rode horses with my hot argentian lover (husband, whatever, sorry mom). The next I owned my wine and tapas bar and designed the entire place down to the last wooden chair and mural on the outside wall. Soon, I was a famous writer, published my long lasting book I started when I was 20 years old, made enough money to travel to Africa to start research. I have lived in Togo, Africa in a hut, I have had famous children, wrote books, sang songs, danced (many many many times) on stage to Halo...don't ask. Ran a marathon in under 3:40, worked on a ski resort, harvested my own organic garden, fallen in love and got married in 6 days, climbed Mt. Everest, lived in New Zealand, developed a new form of therapy, owned a summer camp... or two, started my own community center, was the key note speaker at the NASW conference...should I go on? There is more, there is a lot more. "WOW," I write after the four page entry, "am I ever present?"
Yes, I am. I found the times I go into my head, usually, 99 percent of the time I am alone. Other triggers doesnt matter, a hot crowded bus, an empty park, a rainy overcast day, whatever and wherever I choose. At first it scared me, am I afraid of reality so I escape to my fantasy land? No, I thought, I just like to dream. I like to imagine what could be. I finished the entry on my happy thought, everyday I wake up happy to be alive. Happy to know the people I know, to be loved, to feel love, to be blessed with life, breath, the brains to dream and the ability to make some come true. I wrote then all that I had done in my life and that took me an even better place. I don't remember the last I woke up without smiling...I also don't remember the last dream I had that wasn't a nightmare, maybe I just save my dreams for daylight. For tucked away moments on long bus rides, for stolen times when I am suppossed to be listening to someone's story, "mountains you said"..."oh yea, I always wanted to live on a mountain and wake up looking at the sea"...and then it starts again. Oh the places I could go....
Sometimes reality is bit overdone. Sometimes, you just need to step outside, take a breath, and do exactly what you were dreaming you might just do. You never know where it is going to take you. For me, I just remember how I got there and then turn the music up a bit louder.
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
Comments
Post a Comment