Today was a sad day
A new way of life? Pucha, no se. Somewhere along the line in the recent month my cloud sort of crashed, not into a straight ground, but sort of a building, a semi crash, happiness evaporated a tiny bit, and worry, stress, sadness, confusion...and all those other amazing emotions humans carry entered in place. Por que? Because...life enters, passes, challenges and brings you to new places every time you allow it to.
Today was sad for me. Today my friend could not reach me in a time of complete crisis, today, I called her after her feeble attempts to reach me only to be a foggy computer phone call away when what she needed was my hand in her ability to feel and be needed. It was an awful feeling. Yesterday, I brought Katie to the airport and got a taste of my own medicine. I watched her after she probably thought I left, I just stood at the other end of customs as she waited in line, I couldnt leave, it was too difficult to watch someone knowing its the last time you'll see them untill...god knows when? Its different when you are the one leaving, this feeling I know. The first time I left, excitement, the second, some sadness, but nothing compares to watching someone you love leave. This feeling I understand. Two sad moments. I rode the bus home alone and walked ten minutes to my apartment. It was dark.
The next day my alarm went off early and off I go to my place of solitude, my place of work...
and today was my worse ethical moment there. My favorite, and i mean favorite chile, the girl I always talk about to anyone, i tell her all the time she is my favorite, she is the one I made sure I brought ten things back from NY for, she is the one that inspired the Christmas buying spree, she is the one that gave meaning to my existence in the hogar who doesn't own soap or toilet paper or warm water...she was the one. She came home today, after turning 18 two days ago, from her new program where she can learn some life skills...cooking, cutting hair, etc...Brief story, "Leo" lost her parents in one week when she was 13, she was left with no family and literally was homeless for 2 years living on the streets and doing all types of drugs, a friend of a friend of a friend finally got her into the hogar where I met her, she tries endlessly to make up three lost years in school, she is the light in the hogar with other children, always a smile on her face, always a helping hand...and today she comes home "blasted." Today she comes home and I cant understand her. Its 4:00 in the afternoon. She doesn't kiss or hug me, she smiles and tries to put food in her mouth but misses, her pants are falling down, her belt undone, her face a mess. Where were you? I asked her, What happened to you? I asked her...how was program..."Nada tia, hace nada" (Nothing tia, I did nothing). She stumbles from the room and in that moment I did the only thing I could think of to do in my 27 years and 3 years social work experience, I told. I told her Tia she was acting weird. An hour later she comes in hysterical and the rest of my day consists of WHY DID I DO THIS? Its not America here, and I can't stand the sadness that comes with this. This girl has been trying for five years to live, to survive, to make her life something, she has no one, no family, no consistent friends, nothing to call her own, she has nothing, and now she might be asked to leave because she made a wrong decision, but does she know how to make the right ones? Now what for her?
I'm not home anymore and I'm sad. Tonight I stood in a bar with some live band playing with three Chilean friends and i wanted to go home. My body ached to comfort my friend from home, to understand how to speak to a child that is sad and angry without stumbling over a foreign language, I couldn't tell her what i wanted today, i didn't have the right words. I don't know how to tell her that i want what is amazing for her, not what is best, but what is better than she knows, not that i wanted to "tell on her." She has been clean for two years, why now? I cant help, because I speak sixth grade Spanish. My heart just ached and i left, i left during some great song, and my friend stares at me funny and says "que fume meg"...but he didn't know what was in my head. So I left. Today is a hard day. Today the cloud sunk a little.
Today was sad for me. Today my friend could not reach me in a time of complete crisis, today, I called her after her feeble attempts to reach me only to be a foggy computer phone call away when what she needed was my hand in her ability to feel and be needed. It was an awful feeling. Yesterday, I brought Katie to the airport and got a taste of my own medicine. I watched her after she probably thought I left, I just stood at the other end of customs as she waited in line, I couldnt leave, it was too difficult to watch someone knowing its the last time you'll see them untill...god knows when? Its different when you are the one leaving, this feeling I know. The first time I left, excitement, the second, some sadness, but nothing compares to watching someone you love leave. This feeling I understand. Two sad moments. I rode the bus home alone and walked ten minutes to my apartment. It was dark.
The next day my alarm went off early and off I go to my place of solitude, my place of work...
and today was my worse ethical moment there. My favorite, and i mean favorite chile, the girl I always talk about to anyone, i tell her all the time she is my favorite, she is the one I made sure I brought ten things back from NY for, she is the one that inspired the Christmas buying spree, she is the one that gave meaning to my existence in the hogar who doesn't own soap or toilet paper or warm water...she was the one. She came home today, after turning 18 two days ago, from her new program where she can learn some life skills...cooking, cutting hair, etc...Brief story, "Leo" lost her parents in one week when she was 13, she was left with no family and literally was homeless for 2 years living on the streets and doing all types of drugs, a friend of a friend of a friend finally got her into the hogar where I met her, she tries endlessly to make up three lost years in school, she is the light in the hogar with other children, always a smile on her face, always a helping hand...and today she comes home "blasted." Today she comes home and I cant understand her. Its 4:00 in the afternoon. She doesn't kiss or hug me, she smiles and tries to put food in her mouth but misses, her pants are falling down, her belt undone, her face a mess. Where were you? I asked her, What happened to you? I asked her...how was program..."Nada tia, hace nada" (Nothing tia, I did nothing). She stumbles from the room and in that moment I did the only thing I could think of to do in my 27 years and 3 years social work experience, I told. I told her Tia she was acting weird. An hour later she comes in hysterical and the rest of my day consists of WHY DID I DO THIS? Its not America here, and I can't stand the sadness that comes with this. This girl has been trying for five years to live, to survive, to make her life something, she has no one, no family, no consistent friends, nothing to call her own, she has nothing, and now she might be asked to leave because she made a wrong decision, but does she know how to make the right ones? Now what for her?
I'm not home anymore and I'm sad. Tonight I stood in a bar with some live band playing with three Chilean friends and i wanted to go home. My body ached to comfort my friend from home, to understand how to speak to a child that is sad and angry without stumbling over a foreign language, I couldn't tell her what i wanted today, i didn't have the right words. I don't know how to tell her that i want what is amazing for her, not what is best, but what is better than she knows, not that i wanted to "tell on her." She has been clean for two years, why now? I cant help, because I speak sixth grade Spanish. My heart just ached and i left, i left during some great song, and my friend stares at me funny and says "que fume meg"...but he didn't know what was in my head. So I left. Today is a hard day. Today the cloud sunk a little.
"The world is round and what may seem like the end may also be the beginning"
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